Feelings. Nothing more than Feelings.

I've been wanting to write this since Sunday, but it's now Tuesday night and this is the first chance I have had to sit down alone and do this.

Sunday was a hard day. I was really missing Marlene. It all started when I walked into church and saw one of her best childhood friends sitting there. Her name is Jan. I went up to Jan and started talking to her but it was all I could do to hold back the tears. She is such a sweet person and was a good friend to Marlene for so many years.

I finally went and sat down with my girls and couldn't help but stare at Jan. Every time I looked at her I would find myself fighting back the tears. All I could picture was her last visit with Marlene. She drove down on a Saturday just to see her one last time. It had been a very busy day with tons of visitors but Jan patiently waited her turn and told Marlene, who was very tired at that point, that she would be happy to just sit next to her bed while she slept. And she did just that. Every now and then I would peek in and without Jan seeing me, I would watch as she was kneeling next to the bed, holding Marlene's hand and staring at her. There were a few times that it looked as if she was praying. She was in there for a very long time and refused our offers to get her a chair. Her sweet husband waited patiently for her to finish.

Many times while Jared and I were in the Valley we would get a phone call or email from Jan sending us her love and checking to see how the family was. Her concern was very heartfelt and we knew it.

As we walked Jan and her husband out to their car, Jared told her that Marlene would be getting baptized the next day. Jan's eyes filled with tears and the expression on her face was priceless. I can't help but think that she was one of the first people that planted the seed.

The rest of the day Sunday was spent missing Marlene. There have been so many times that I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and call to ask her a simple question. I'll admit that when the Caller ID says "Private Name-Private Number" there are times that for a split second I wish it was Marlene. She called every Sunday to check in and see how everything was going. And not only did she call on Sunday's but she called whenever she had the chance. So many times she would say "I just had a minute and wanted to call" or "I'm on my way home and wanted to see how you guys are." I miss that. No reason to call, just to check in.

Among all of my thinking on Sunday I realized something. She never ended a phone call or a visit with out a "love you." But in her last few weeks those "love you's" changed into "I love you's." I guess she really wanted us to know that she loved us. And she made it so clear. She would tell you 10 times in each conversation.

I missed her so much on Sunday. I miss her so much every day.

Today for instance, Jared and I were trying to decide what to get Kimber for her birthday and were having the hardest time. Then it dawned on me. Marlene would know the perfect gift. She knew all of her kids and grandkids so well that it seemed so easy for her. I wish I had that gift! No pun intended.

And tonight I was changing the sheets on Kimber's bed when it hit me again. I was replacing the dirty sheets with the Disney Princess sheets that Marlene had bought for Addie when she got her new "big" bed. (Which is now Kimber's bed.) Marlene loved to do things for the kids. She always made them feel so special. Even though Addie and Kimber were so far away from her, they never knew any different because she made sure they knew she was thinking of them always.

My good friend once told me that you never get over it, you just get used to it. I think that's true, but when will we start to get used to it?