A few weeks ago some girlfriends invited me to Las Vegas for a Power of Mom's retreat. Having never heard of it, I hit the web and instantly feel in love with their site and the mission they are on to help normal moms, like myself. I decided to take them up on their offer and a few days later we hit the highway headed for Las Vegas.
It's not my style to do things like a girls night out or things of that nature, let alone travel for six hours and stay in a hotel room with other people. (I really need to broaden my horizons but more to come on that.) The only reason I accepted the offer was because I knew I was "safe" with this group. They are normal, they are honest, they don't gossip and they are easy to be with.
Our drive was very pleasant and I learned that I am very lucky to have grown up in the Richardson home. It was very eye-opening as they talked about their parents. I thought for the most part parents were pretty similar to mine. Apparently not. Two of them talked about their parents' lack of love and respect for one another. Another said when she got married she didn't know how to do laundry or even clean a bathroom. One said her dad taught her she could do nothing without a man. I could not relate one bit. And I am so thankful for that. I told them how much I HAAATED it when my dad would send me to Jiffy Lube to get an oil change. All alone. In that 'man' place. But today I am thankful for that. I learned how to be bold and not fear men.
Thanks Dad.
Friday night was themed "Dream Night" and to be totally honest I was less than excited about it. Turns out it was my favorite part of the whole retreat! We talked about different dreams we wish we could accomplish, dreams we have put on hold, "pie-in-the-sky" type dreams and so on. It was a huge wake up call for me. I realized I am super boring. I have no passions for myself. I have things I want for my kids and my marriage but I really have nothing for myself. This night changed me. I found a desire to find something that I love and something that I look forward to doing every day, every week or as often as possible.
It was fun to hear the dreams of others and see how women went from feeling like they had no dreams to realizing they did have something. One mom wants to be a Zumba instructor, one mom wants to be a weightlifter, another wants to be a writer. The list and inspiration was endless.
I did come to the realization that there are some dreams, thought not big ones, that I am fulfilling right now. One of the things that i have always wanted is for my girls to feel comfortable in their own skin and with the body they came to earth with. I never let them hear me talk bad about myself because I don't want that to reflect on them. I also try to tell them daily that they are beautiful and compliment them in positive ways. It's something that has been important to me since Addie was born and although I didn't consider it a dream until the retreat I realized that it actually is and I am making it happen!
My second favorite part of the weekend was when we had opportunities to break into discussion groups and talk about certain topics. I realized that the input and experience of good women is something I need more of. There were about 40 women there and since we came on a mission to improve our mothering, we all instantly bonded. I'll never see any of them again but I feel like I have a kindred connection to them. There were moms of all shapes, sizes, ages and backgrounds but that didn't matter because we were there with a common purpose.
Like I said, I need more good women in my life. I'm a homebody and a recluse of sorts. I don't put myself out there. I like people to come to me rather. That may be why many of my friends seem to be on the needy side. I met a wonderful lady named Shannon who has been a true inspiration to me. She lived in Oregon for many years before her husband accepted a job in the Las Vegas area and was sad to leave because she had so many great friends there. When they made the move she realized how much she enjoyed having a good support group of friends so she has been working hard to make more. At one point they had a panel of women come to the front and talk about scaling back their social experiences but she is the unique position of trying to grow hers. She said she makes an effort right now to go to everything, Relief Society meetings, having Brownie Sundaes at her her and more. I realized that if I want to enlarge my circle then I need to get out there and do some searching. So I did something I never do. I went to a Relief Society Meeting. I never go to those things because I feel like that is exactly what they are, another meeting. Plus I can be a tad on the not so social side. But I went with Shannon in mind and not only did I learn how to make an apple pie but I got out of my comfort zone.
With that in mind I have taken the initiative to start a Learning Circle with girls around here. I've gathered a really good group of ladies and we will have our first circle in a few weeks. I need to be with people who are headed the same direction I am so those are the ones I am seeking and the rest are being filtered out. Perhaps the reason I have because so reclusive, because I've done SO much filtering over the last few years.
Saturday was the actual "motherhood" part of the retreat and it was a little overwhelming. It has taken me the last few weeks to process everything because it all came at me so fast but there were a few things I learned that always stand out immediately.
First off, I'm doing better than I give myself credit for. No one said that, it's just the overall feeling I came away with. And it's been a relief.
Do something scary everyday. (Scary as in challenging.) I've taken that to heart and have been working on that everyday. Some days it's been reaching out and asking ladies I don't really know to join the Learning Circle. To my surprise, everyone has accepted! The other day it was to write an essay for the Power of Mom's website in hopes that it gets published. I'm not a writer by any means but I decided I wanted to try it out. I started a few different essays but nothing seemed to be right. Then one day it dawned on me and I knew what I had to write. Here it is-
My mother in law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer shortly before the birth of my first daughter in 2005. I’ve heard cancer referred to as an “illness of love” and as someone who witnessed the experience first hand as it made it’s complete circle, from diagnosis to treatments to remission and eventually to death, I can honestly say it’s an accurate description. She was put into remission three times but eventually in 2008 the cancer had spread to so much of her body she was given the “go home and enjoy what time you have left” news. That time turned into about about four weeks, but four weeks that changed my life and the life of my extended family forever.
Caring for her in her last few weeks brought me a new perspective on motherhood and the role I play in the life of my children. One thing my mother in law had mastered was never ending a phone call or visit without a “love you.” As her life drew to a close she made many requests for one of us to sit with her and hold her hand while she told us how much she loved us. Her “love you’s” transformed into “I love you’s”. I never doubted she loved me, my husband or our children but that small addition of an “I” brought the phrase to a whole new level. It was no longer a “love you, talk to you soon”, it was an “I love you. I truly do.”
Shortly after this realization her health declined even more and one evening my sisters in law and myself found ourselves alone with her in a dim and quiet room. My mother in law raised four children all by herself, one daughter and three sons. It was difficult and she would admit to that, but we always saw her as a hero to them. My sister in law took that quiet opportunity to ask my mother law what her secret was to being such a good mom. She gave a little chuckle and said “oh, there’s no secret. I just looked forward to the sunset each day. I knew that if the sun was setting then God was keeping his promises and everything was as it should be.” Although she was not a religious woman, it was a sign to her that He was there and that He was consistent, even when things in her life weren’t. For her the sunset was especially meaningful because it happened at the dreaded dinner hour- often the most difficult time of the day. In that quiet moment the thought came clearly to my mind “the secret is in the sunset.”
There are many coping mechanisms in motherhood. For some it’s a short jog, for others it’s taking a moment to sit down and play a game with the kids, forgetting the housework for a while. For me it has now become the sunset. A time of day when you realize you’ve made it one more day and that He is there helping you out, even when you feel you are doing this mothering thing alone because the kids are bickering, everyone is hungry and someone just remembered they have a project due in the morning. Motherhood is a challenge. We have difficult moments, even difficult days but are you looking for that sunset in your life?
Within a few days she requested to be moved to a Hospice House. The lessons we learned continued there. One afternoon, a few days before she died, I was visiting her with her sons and daughter. She was in a comatose state by now but responded well to touch. As I sat on her bed with her and held her hands in mine, I examined them. As I memorized each crack and each freckle my mind turned to the life of her hands. I couldn’t help but become vocal and speak to her about the things she had done with her hands throughout her life. “Think of all the babies you have held, all the rose bushes you have planted, all of the meals you have made, every tear you have wiped, every birthday card you have written to us, every phone number you have dialed to check on the kids.” Her sons soon chimed in with their own memories of their mom like playing catch and things like that. She had true mother hands.
As a mother, what am I doing with my hands? Am I using them as instruments of love? Am I using them in a gentle way? Am I giving my children the things they need that only my hands can offer?
Question: What is your personal sunset? How do you use your hands?
Challenge: Look for the small things in your mothering that are a reminder that you are not doing this alone. Use your hands as instruments of love.
Another take away that no one vocalized but I felt was important was the need to create bigger memories for our family. I know people say it's the little things they'll remember but I think back on my childhood and the times my parents made sacrifices to take us places and do things with us that were bigger than normal and it makes me grateful that we had that time together. For a long time Jared and I have been talking about taking the girls to Disneyland but felt like we didn't have the time or didn't want to spend the money. Ironically, a few days before I left Jared said he thought we needed to do bigger things and that was solidified for me at the retreat. In less than two weeks we're pulling them out of school for a few days at the beach and Disneyland.
What is the identity of my little family? April Perry, a co-director of PofM's brought a banner her family had made and some t-shirts but that's not us. I'll never make a banner and I'll never design matching t-shirts but we have to have something makes the Hatch's different. I thought about growing up how we ate popcorn every Sunday night. In the last decade it's changed to chips and salsa, but to me that identifies the Richardson's. I'm on a mission to find our identity.
Another great suggestion came from a really awesome lady that for the life of me I can't remember her name. She had read in a book about a Power Hour. Each night write a list of ten things you would like to do the next morning then get up one hour before the rest of the house and work through them. She said it changes day to day but she has seen her self change and it's been very rewarding. When she started she listed 20 pushups. She is now up to 50. Ummm, yeah, I would say that's a change. There have been spiritual changes as well.
Inevitably the topic of pyramid parties came up. One of the trainers shared her experience with a rather expensive spatula she ended up with. By pure coincidence I had a cousin's little boy come to my door selling candles for school the day after I returned home. This family is a bit notorious for allowing their children to sell things. Just a few weeks prior I was suckered into $12 worth of Girl Scout by this boy's sister that didn't I didn't need to eat, didn't want to buy and haven't even finished yet. But I had to be nice, right? Little Brighton had on his best salesman face and presented me with a catalog full of overpriced candles. Out of courtesy I flipped through it and asked if he had sold any. Suddenly his face fell and he said no. For a quick second my heart wanted me to buy a candle to make him feel better. Then the spatula story came to my mind and I realized I was not going to save him by buying a candle. I kindly told him I wouldn't be buying anything and although it was obvious he was sad, I was thrilled with my ability to SAY NO!
So many ladies there talked about how awkward it gets after the presentation of the cooking ware, candles or whatever it is ends and they pass around the order form and you feel like all eyes are on you. I was impressed with some of their strategies on how they avoid ending up with products they can't afford or don't need. I'm a Scentsy fan like so many of you, but do I have to come to a party to buy? My cousin Ashby sells but I love her approach. It's so nonthreatening and she isn't hurt when you don't buy. Why can't everyone be like that?
Something that I have been working on since before the retreat but was so happy to have new ways to work on it now is accepting myself for the things that I do and the things that don't do. So many moms, including myself, feel like you have to be the PTO mom, have a spotless house, make time to play games with your kids, make a gourmet meal and look gorgeous everyday or else you have failed in some way. After so long those feelings wore me out. I finally started telling myself "I do that (be it organizing, decorating or whatever) but I do other things instead." I don't always wipe the fingerprints off of the fridge but I do have their favorite snacks inside for them to eat today. I don't always have my furniture dusted but I do have a clean car today. I don't always love reading to my kids but I do like to sit down with them and play a game or two. I don't always have patience but I do always tell my kids I love them. I'm not a super mom and after being with so many women at the retreat I have concluded that there is no such thing. Even if you have have a spotless house and your kids hair is always combed perfectly, you still struggle with something. And that's what makes this world go round. People who are always trying their hardest and failing but trying again.
There a whole gamut of other things I learned but the final one for today is that I need to lighten up. There are days when I feel like I run my kids into the ground with things they need to do. I've found myself giving Addie a list of ten things rambled off within a period of five minutes and without meaning to I place the expectation on her that she has them all done right now! I have to stop that! She is EIGHT and although she is quite responsible I need to let her be EIGHT! Yesterday i felt like it was their turn to enjoy the day so I did all of their chores for them before I picked them up from school and tried to require nothing of them other than they have fun and enjoy their afternoon. Not everyday can be this way, they need chores and they need to learn to work but they also need the chance to be kids. Lately Kimber has gathering every pillow and about 20 blankets to make a car in her room using their little chairs. Drives me crazy! But I realized that she is a kid and needs to use her imagination. It put things into perspective for me while I finished dinner with Jared the other night and could see them in their room in the "car" from my seat. All three of them were so happy to be playing together and pretending they were headed somewhere fun.
I need to lighten up.
Overall, I came home a new person. I see all mom's in a new light and honor their individuality as they strive to make their home what it should be, for them. I see my home in a new light. One person at the retreat said "our homes are construction zones. A masterpiece is being created but expect messes in the meantime." Figurative and literal messes. I see myself in a new light. I'm trying to get this motherhood thing down but it's new for me and until I get it right, it looks like we'll all have our bumps and bruises along the way.
